Articles

By Judy Sansom

Let’s be honest: loving difficult people is hard enough on a good day—Add stress, exhaustion, grief, conflict, or uncertainty, and suddenly Jesus’s command to “love one another” feels less like warm encouragement and more like a personal challenge, but Jesus never pretended Love was easy.

Loving people can be hard, and if we do not remain focused on Jesus and His teachings, we can easily justify not showing love to certain people. We even live in a world where cute mottos about poor attitudes are everywhere.

We have all seen the shirt, “If my mouth doesn’t say it, my face will”—it’s a cute shirt…sure, but this is condoning nasty attitudes towards others. Is that showing the love that we as Christians are called to show others?

But it doesn’t stop there; another one that comes to mind is “Half Hood, Half Holy—Don’t test me.” When we see this, it’s comical, it’s catchy, … it’s justifying sinfulness! At best, it’s saying that you will be aggressive if you want, and at worst, it is communicating that you are only halfway to taking Jesus seriously and may be lukewarm in your faith (Rev. 3:16). We may be tempted to fall for these sayings on our worst days, but this is not how we were commanded to love.

Have you heard the popular “Don’t come at me, I match energies” attitude (and t-shirt)? By the world's standards, this is great advice—if someone is yelling at you, you yell back, but what happened to self-control?

In reality, this isn’t about t-shirts or mottos; it’s about the things that shape our attitudes toward others. Are we listening to catchy worldly advice, or are we seeking the Word of God to shape us?

There are no loopholes or witty sayings that should cause us to stumble.
When Jesus tells us in Matthew 5:44 to “love your neighbors and pray for those who persecute you,” He is giving a clear command. He doesn’t make an exception; He doesn’t add a footnote that says, “Only when they’re pleasant,” or “Only when you have the emotional capacity,” or “Only if you like them.”

Jesus spoke those words knowing full well how messy, irritating, and hurtful people can be. He lived among hostile religious leaders and crowds who loved Him one minute and wanted Him gone (or even dead) the next.

We can’t escape difficult people, and Jesus knew that. In our broken, sin-filled world, they are everywhere. The coworker who will do anything to get ahead, the loved one who can’t stop criticizing you and offering “suggestions” for improvement, the person who knows just the right buttons to push to leave you exasperated or frustrated again, or maybe the toddler who is full of tantrums and tears. Even the people we love the most, our closest friends, neighbors, and family, can be hard-to-love at times…and so can we!

Jesus doesn’t command us to love because it’s easy—He commands us to love because it reflects who He is (Ephesians 5: 1-2; 1 John 4:7-9), and it allows us to be a Christ-like example to others.

At the last supper, Jesus turns to His disciples and commands, “As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another” (John 13:34-35). This message is for us today, just as much as it was for the disciples on the night Jesus was betrayed.

We are not being called to like everyone, but Jesus does call us to love everyone.
One of the most freeing things to remember is this: loving someone does not mean you enjoy them, trust them, or feel close to them.

1 Corinthians 13 reminds us that love is patient, kind, not easily angered, not resentful, not self-centered (prideful). Notice that in this description of biblical love, it is never described as “always delighted” “never annoyed,” or “emotionally effortless.”

Biblical love isn’t about warm feelings—it’s about faithfulness, patience, and choosing grace when it would be easier to choose distance, resentment, or anger.

Difficult Times Reveal What’s in Our Hearts
Hard seasons and difficult people have a way of squeezing us, and when we’re squeezed, what’s inside tends to come out. Luke 6:45 tells us “A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.”

When people irritate us more than usual, it’s tempting to think, “They’re the problem.” But Scripture gently invites us to ask a deeper question: What do my words and actions reveal about my heart and my devotion to God’s word?

Difficult people during difficult times can become unexpected mirrors—revealing where we need more grace, more healing, or more dependence on God.

This doesn’t mean excusing bad behavior. It means letting God be the defender of you and letting the words of Jesus guide what flows from your mouth.

Loving Like Jesus Does Not Mean Becoming a Doormat.
Jesus loved people deeply, but He also spoke truth, set boundaries, and entrusted Himself to the Father instead of trying to fix everyone.

Romans 12:18 says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” This verse acknowledges something important:

• "If it is possible"—This acknowledges that peace is not always achievable, as it requires cooperation from others…not just you.
• "As far as it depends on you”—This places the responsibility on each individual to control their own actions, emotions, and responses. It’s asking you to do everything within your power to avoid unnecessary conflict. The other person may not cooperate.
• "Live at peace with everyone"—This is a call to a proactive, peaceful approach to all people, not just friends or allies, but everyone…even the difficult ones…even when we don’t want to.
  

Loving difficult people may mean:

• choosing peace over winning arguments
• limiting access while still offering grace
• forgiving without reconciling right away
• responding gently instead of reacting emotionally.
  

Love can be firm. Love can be quiet. Love can say “no” without selfishness or hatred.
While loving like Jesus does not require you to be a doormat, it does require you to endure, be self-disciplined, and to allow God to deal with those who mistreat us. This is not an easy call, but Jesus provided the perfect earthly example for us to follow, and we have the gift of the Holy Spirit living in us to help.

We Love Because He First Loved Us—1 John 4:19
At the end of the day, we don’t love difficult people by trying harder—we love them by remembering how deeply we have been loved. This does not make it effortless; you will need to focus on spiritual disciplines to love difficult people.

When we are difficult, impatient, distracted, and undeserving, Christ loves us anyway.
So, if loving that hard-to-love person feels impossible right now, that doesn’t mean you’re failing. It might mean you’re standing exactly where grace is meant to meet you, and that grace shown to you should spur you to show grace to others.

Take a breath. Ask for help. Choose one small act of obedience today.
And trust that God is still forming Christlike love in you—even in the middle of difficult people and difficult times. Are you listening to His prompting?

Jesus Himself prayed for the people who hurt Him most. On the cross, He said: “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). If Jesus can pray this prayer and show love for people as He endures agony, torture, and even death by crucifixion, we can certainly work toward loving difficult people—whether that’s a colleague, neighbor, sibling, or the stranger who cut you off in traffic.

A Prayer for Loving Difficult People
Heavenly Father,
You are mighty and powerful. You are Holy and Righteous.
I confess that loving difficult people does not come naturally to me, especially when life already feels heavy. So today, I ask You for what I don’t have on my own—Your patience. Your wisdom. Your compassion.

Help me love the way Jesus loves—not perfectly, but faithfully. Show me when to speak and when to be silent. When to lean in and when to step back. Help me to extend grace to those who seek discord.

Soften my heart where it has grown hard. Heal the places where I am carrying resentment or exhaustion and remind me again that I am deeply loved by You—even on my worst days.

Teach me to love not from my own strength, but from Yours. I trust You to work in me and in others, even when I can’t see the outcome.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.